Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
