My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
