i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
