I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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