you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
