a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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