I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Found your dick twin last night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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