made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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