I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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