Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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