i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
