So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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