The maid of honor just puked.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize