I'm pants shitting drunk right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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