trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
