you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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