I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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