We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
