well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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