She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
