proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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