the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
