I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
