I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
