Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
