No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize