it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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