3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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