Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I did not marry a roomba.
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