Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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