I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If that was your dad, he is hot
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
