dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
