I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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