He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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