I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
