I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
