someone owes me an orgasm
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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