I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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