y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
