I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
