I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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