I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
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