She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
