Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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