woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
