Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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