I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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