Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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