if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
