I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize