My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
