I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
