you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
