I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
