Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
