you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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