i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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