just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
