Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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