he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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