you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
