I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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