Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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