Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sorry about my life...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
