I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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