My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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