I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
