You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
