I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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