A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
